ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
