My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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