sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
