Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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