Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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