cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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