Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
