I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
