i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
