Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
