I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
