haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
