Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize