The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
