YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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