I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you still have your period?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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