She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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