They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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