1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
