Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
