If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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