You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize