even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
