My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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