I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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