Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
