Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
