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The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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