Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
