i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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