Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
