Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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