One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
