Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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