New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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