Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
