Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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