How'd it feel making her break her religion?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize