fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
