Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
