The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
