I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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