i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
