Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
