My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
