I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
