I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
