Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
