you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
