If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
