Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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