i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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