i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
