To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
