Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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