If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i think i have herpe
just one?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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